Glass Half-Empty, Glass Half-Full: The State of My Mental Health

" Glass Half-Empty, Glass Half-Full": 

The State of My Mental Health

Zarena C. Hermogeno

Rumor has it that a person’s personality is determined by their interpretation of a drinking glass containing a half-filled water.

They say that Pessimists see the glass as half empty as if it is still not enough while Optimists see the glass as half full as if acknowledging the progress for which it has been filled. But ultimately, Successful people see the glass as full-contented with whatever they’ve accomplished or whatever progress it took that filled the glass. 

Throughout my life, I struggle with acknowledging my achievements. To the point that my loved ones would have to say it right in my face. I habitually would underestimate my abilities due to my past shortcomings and think that everything I do isn’t deserving of merit. This inner demon goes by the name of “The Impostor Syndrome” wherein I feel like an incompetent, trying hard fraud. 

Even up to this day, I still feel like that everything I do will never be enough,

but I recuperate for that lacking by pursuing a plethora of endeavors that would define my worth. I tirelessly chase the next big thing–not knowing when to stop or pause, or when should I pat myself on the back for a job well done. 

That’s why through the years I would feel empty when people congratulate or applaud me for my successes. Sometimes, I would be repulsive, thinking: “Oh she just complimented me because I liked her photo on Instagram”, like everything is a part of a grand plot and I am the marionette. But at the same time, I feel half-full as I recognize the impact that my accomplishments had on people. 

It really is conflicting. Processing it entirely is like doing cartwheels and jumping jacks at the same time.

It is still far beyond my grasp as to how do I interpret the results of every single thing that I do. I am torn between the perspective, the angle which I view my life. It seems to it I am looking through a kaleidoscope, every corner filled with endless figures formed through a single rotation to form patterns. But in the end, you really don’t know where you’re looking at. 

This angle is conflicting: “Am I really good enough or I am I just putting up a façade of accomplishing things that would conventionally define my worth?” 

Until now, I still couldn’t figure out the answer. I keep chasing success and once I accomplish every level, I just go back to square one and ask myself: “What now?” 

But the good thing about this is that THE GLASS IS REFILLABLE. You can add, pour, or don’t do anything about it at all. It is within my control. 

And so, still I keep pouring, filling up the glass so it wouldn’t be empty and also leveling up the rim for whichever aspect I lack. Never knowing when to stop or pull through…constantly gauging and threading through life, asking if whatever I do is enough or will it ever be.